Wednesday, October 06, 2010

nighty night

good night, dear internet. i have facebooked and emailed and chatted and messaged and even you tubed a bit. for one more night, you have saved me from the yucky mess that is right in front of me. you filtered out the low long-term survival rates of GBM 4 patients and the persecution of gays, women, children and animals and instead gave me video of my chubby, laughing niece playing peekaboo 3000 miles away and a message from an old friend offering me a free hair do.

soon, i will have cable tv in my home, hbo, too, so my exclusion of personal reality--when necessary--should be complete. bring in the love, push out the jive.

Saturday, October 02, 2010

October? If you say so!

During the last couple of weeks, we've more days than not when it's uncomfortably hot, upper 90's and buggy. Still, folks tell me it's Fall. Samson's been at proper, honest-to-goodness preschool for a month now (including the 27 Jewish holidays in September, since it's a Jewish school). He's really making the transition from two-day school to everyday school very well, and is very good at bossing his new friends around and taking without asking. In just under one month, he'll be three. At which point, I will promptly fall over dead from astonishment.

In September, Max and I took a grown-ups only trip to Disneyland to celebrate our 3rd wedding anniversary. We had a terrific time staying on-site at the Disneyland Resort Hotel, and had some tasty dinners and lots of churros in the parks. Next trip for me will be Christmas in Minneapolis with Coop and the Richmans while Max goes back to Israel for work.

Now, let's see if I can manage more than one post this month...

Sunday, September 05, 2010

half assed update

Of course lots has happened. We went to New York and met my adorable baby niece. Some of us started preschool this week, Lots of us are making travel plans and doing exciting things. But also, I sit here and bum myself out. Quite regularly these days. So if you don;t mind, I'll do that for a bit longer before I try to blog more in earnest.

In case it went unposted, last MRI was fine, everything looks great.

Saturday, August 07, 2010

A Day in Davis

We went up to Davis today to visit my GBM buddy and have lunch with her awesome family. Samson followed 6 year old Paco around the whole time, learning (almost) how to slip n' slide in a kiddie pool. We had lots of fun, and it was nice to reminisce about our year living there back in 2001-2002...our first home together! The house where Ozzy's separation anxiety really began to take shape, and the home of our first Ikea sofa (thanks, Grandpa Henry). We fought off the huge cockroaches, the loud parties of the Pacific Islanders Frat house next door, and the chickens being raised in the backyard of our duplex neighbors. We survived the fear when Miru escaped and was gone for 2 weeks, the fear of 9/11/01, and the fear (or excitement, depending who you ask) of Max going back to Israel after graduating from UCD to serve in the military. We met some very awesome friends who, thanks to Facebook, we can still keep in touch with.

Looking back, I think wow--what an eventful and intense year for us!

That being said, I'm about six weeks away from the one year anniversary of my GBM diagnosis. Talk about eventful and intense! Good thing I'm a drama queen.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

To blog or not to care

My nightly chat buddy is offline right now, so I figured I try to keep this more frequent blogging thing going. The house is quiet and still, with the faint sounds of Call of Duty in the background and Ozzy snoring under the bed. Samson (AKA the screamiest toddler around) insisted that we leave his door open tonight (and most every night lately), so Max and I have our volumes down to .6, although Milhouse is not respecting this moratorium on noise, so he's more like a 2, 2 and a half. So far so good.

I'm pretty bummed about how Facebook seems to have won out in my internet-updating-app life. This wasn't any sort of choice, but let's face it: Twitter is too short, and a blog entry feels like it has to be multiple paragraphs, while Facebook just has to be anywhere from a single word to 3 or 4 sentences. Or just a picture. Or a reposting of someone else's handiwork. Surely, you can see my dilemma.

Maybe I'll just start treating posts like status updates--then they'll make their way to my coolest friends via buzz.

By the way, Scotty, italics don't necessarily mean sarcasm. Just sayin'.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The headache returns

That evil headache I got in Tahoe last January has been back for the last 2 days. I've also been on Temodar, so everything is kind of crap and I've had Team Samson out in force. I'm hoping to kick this week in the ass before Saturday and we head to the farm for Rhonda's birthday party. Meanwhile, Samson is pretty damn sure that his room is NOT the room to sleep in, and certainly NOT his bed. It's been tough getting him down or napped the last few days, so we're going to try the safety gate answer that my Facebook posse came up with when I put it up for discussion. Hey, better than holding the door shut till he passes out from screaming and exhaustion like SOMEbody in my family was doing.

OK, it was me.

1.5 weeks till our family Lake Vacay, and soon after that preschool starts! I know that September will bring school, a schedule and with it, some peace and harmony and little less crazy from SOMEbody in my family.

OK, it's me.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

All Quiet

I have nothing to report. It's all the same old cancer complaints or 2.5 year old complaints or just general Deborah complaints, and that makes me sad. The drive to tell my story and share my thoughts and adventures has fizzled out, almost completely. Any ideas from youse guys on how to fix myself? Other than, you know, moving my body, or say, doing stuff. Ahem.

But please keep checking back. There's a chance I could find a way to beat these doldrums before long. I've got a good team on my side and trip to upstate New York coming up.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Home from Israel

Back from Israel. Take the exhaustion of international travel, add a two-year-old, a dash of tonsillitis (me, not Samson), and the fatigue of the meds (not Tarceva, thankfully), and you have ONE DEAD ASS TIRED MOMMY. Luckily, Samson went off to nanny share today, although he threw up in Grandpa's car on the way home--seems to be sleep/schedule/excitement/nerve related more than an actual illness. Avastin tomorrow. Getting back on track.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Feel my wrath

Not blogging makes me angry.

Know what else makes me angry? CANCER.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


How many years now has "blog every day" been in my list of New Year's resolutions? A great many, that how. So here I am, going weeks between posts, not telling anyone how I had an AWESOME MRI week before last, or how I finally went to Samson's parent co-op school today (he started the week before Sept 21), or how Ozzy's eyes have turned a dignified but unsettling dark grey cloudy color. Things have changed! I have changed! How? Well, I can't think of any examples right now. Oh, tea! I drink tea now instead of coffee. That's a huge difference. But other than that, my mind is blank. That's certainly not new.

Long story short: I promise, I'll be better. Take me back.

I have an awesome new friend, but I can't remember what her blog name is supposed to be. The important thing is that she's got Glioblastoma stage 4 too, and she is truly my hero these days. Never giving up hope, never letting the heaviness got her too, too down, reaching out to other GBM folks for camaraderie and advice and a good time. We're in very similar situations, except that she's got TWO little boys--can you Imagine?--and she's started taking a running class. A RUNNING class. I mentioned maybe popping by the gym the other day and Samson was all the huh? the what? McDonald's? Lucky for me, my buddy is also motivating with her go get 'em ways.

So please, I beg of you, give me at least 7 more chances. I'll be back. I'll be around. I'll write about my strikingly glamourous MRIs and lament the Shark's lack of oomph in round two. I know! I'll post pictures! From Disneyland! And other places! We both know I don't mean it, but let the lie survive, just for one night.

Monday, April 12, 2010

No mouse ears

There were no mouse ears. Every time I go, I declare that I will get mouse ears. But it never happens. I did however, succeed in my goal of getting cotton candy every day. Yum!

Samson had a great time, we all did. It was a lot of work and a lot of patience and totally worth it. Pics soon. Promise.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Hey Hey, Kids, What Time Is It?

Still here. Sleeping. Like usual. Low platelets for anyone keeping score.

Loving the new car; can't wait to leave for Disneyland in it! Coming soon: photos of mouse ears.

Thursday, March 11, 2010


Oh yeah! I got my license yesterday! I was too sleepy today to remember to post about it. And yes, it's wonderful. Strange, but it didn't cure my cancer like I thought it would. Hmm.

Monday, March 08, 2010


While I'm feeling all in all better than a month ago (bye bye, milk and cheese), I simply cannot shake this fatigue. I am, in fact, sleep blogging right now.

Just had a great video chat with my bro and the missus plus their little 12 day old bundle. She's so cute, I can even look past the fact that she cries whenever we're on video chat and that she has the funniest little crossed eyes you've ever seen. I can't wait to hold her, but she'll be way past the squishy stage by then, more in the sitting up phase. But that's also the giggling phase, so I guess Uncle Beardo and Auntie Doofus will be there as well.

I'm actually going into the office tomorrow, which is good for morale. It feels good to be in an old familiar place and eat old familiar sushi.

Friday, March 05, 2010

Baby, I can drive my OWN car, thank you very much

I can't believe I didn't post this on Wednesday (sorry, I was in the Temodar haze), but I passed my driving test! Written, vision and behind the wheel, I kicked some serious ass, even within 24 hours of having taken my last dose of chemo. I am supreme.

It'll likely be a week or two before I get a letter from the DMV stating that I am eligible for a new license, and that I have to have to head down to the DMV and stand in line to get the temp paper license and have my photo taken for my real license, but I'm one gigantic step closer to me being me-ish again. It's a good feeling.

After having slept most of the week (again, I HEART TEMODAR, not), I was able to get out and about this morning, thanks to my drill sergeant mom and her love of giving orders (also her love of me), and her rare skill at 2-year-old herding. She's something to see, really. If toddler wrangling were an Olympic sport, she'd be all, look at my 17 gold medals, dig?

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Get out of my dream, get into my car

This Wednesday I'm scheduled to take my driver's exams, both behind the wheel (cake) and written (huh). I'm not too anxious--thank you, Ativan--and it will be VERY NICE to have the freedom back that driving brings. Did I mention that it will be VERY FREAKING NICE to be a licensed driver again? Because it will. Not driving has been been one of the hardest parts of this whole ordeal. It's not like we live in the middle of an urban area, or even one with sidewalks. We're not remote, but walking up and down the hills of my neighborhood in the rain? Yeah, no.

Tonight is night 4 of my 5 day chemo schedule; days 3-5 tend to leave me without any energy and most often a wicked tummy ache/headache combo, and the first 2 or 3 days after are usually pretty bad as well. I've been real careful this round with what I eat and getting enough rest, and I feel tons better so far. There have been a few days this past week of straight sunshine, and I think that helps. Plus, you can't knock the pure joy that a new baby in the family brings, not to mention how unbelievably cute Samson's been lately... Hopefully, things will stay on this track and everything goes my way on Wednesday. Off to study.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Baby, actually IN Brooklyn this time

Samson's cousin was born tonight, 8:19 pm eastern and super cute and squishy (we'll call her Gretta). Max has this knack for sensing genders the moment he learns of a pregnant friend, and he's still got it. My bro and the missus didn't find out the sex during pregnancy--amazing!--but Max knew all along. Now I get to go buy some pink stuff! Yay!

Hug your kids tonight, we're lucky as hell to have 'em.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Baby in Brooklyn

My sister-in-law started contractions this morning. Samson should have his first North American cousin in the next day or so! Delicious.

A ridiculous day filled to the brim with forgetfulness, loss of keys (TWICE), rushing around and hurrying up to wait in doctor's offices. But hey, at least I got to read a New Yorker from 2008, right?

I'm going to take a moment away from my normal "this thing sucks" and "this other thing is totally annoying" mode and take some time to introduce you to the soppy, sappy, cheese-filled me. Behold:

I love my husband immensely. He has worked so had this past 6 months to keep me (and all of us) from crashing and burning. Max, I dedicate this awesome scar from my craniotomy to you. You earned it.

Also, the cat is snoring. Do cats even do that?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Taking names and kicking stuff

Sunshine! It was sunny today! And warm, I think. My internal temperature is whack, but I only had a light hoodie on over a t-shirt and felt great. This, my friends, is a good sign.

Had another stellar MRI yesterday at UCSF. But this is the best part: the to-do list is actually starting to get some items crossed off of it. Curretnly trying to figure out physical therapy, pre-school, two up-coming trips (special couples trip to Portland next month for me and Ozzy, Disneyland for the whole mishpocha during pesach), 2 other upcoming trips (2 weddings in Israel--have to schedule all travel around Avastin, Temodar, MRI's and labs)...YIKES.

But this is the BEST best part: Lady Richman will be here on Friday for a long weekend visit! No adorable little girls or strapping husband in tow, but some taffy and a Julie hug are just what I need this week. And every week.

And the BEST BEST best part and that little pumpkin head kid of mine. I can;t keep up with how goddamn cute he is. The last couple of days, he's been telling us, "Trust me, I'll take care of it."


And the award for cute goes to: my progeny.

Sunday, January 24, 2010


Here I am, another year older. It was a great birthday, although I couldn't really eat anything, but I had lots of Buffalo Stout and some St. Bernardus ABT 12 and was given a couple of amazingly personal and thoughtful gifts (I only cried at the table 3 times).

How can 34 be anything for me but a year of newness? A new way of life, a new way of living. Hoping for a new perspective. New ways of feeling love, new ways of feeling pain, new ways of relating to different people and new ways to show thanks. Already made a new friend!

Although tonight sort of feels a lot like more of the same--labs at 9am tomorrow morning, start 5 retched days of Temodar tomorrow night, lots of scowling and whining--there's still some newness behind it.

New car! We got a Mazda 5 so that I'll be able drive as soon as I get my freaking license back. It's sparkly and greenish-bluish-topaz-y and I love it.

New experience! We're taking Samson up to Tahoe this weekend with the baby-and-non-baby crew for his first taste of snow. Should be more fun than even I can shake a stick at. And you know how I like to shake sticks.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

What the what?

Who posts about how happy they are are to have a cold? Sheesh, I deserve this left over runny nose.

This past weekend can be described in two words: pain and facebook.

Oh, wait--those are actually the same word aren't they? Huh. Go fig.

Now, we all like to run into old friends on the line now and again, but it got a little out of control for me this weekend. I'm not dumb, I know a lot of it has to do with facing mortality and blah blah BLAH, but COME ON. Know when to say WHEN.

That being said, I am so stoked to have been reunited with some old junior high school friends this weekend. It's pretty cool that somethings never change, even though everything else seems to change daily, hourly, even by the second.

Here's to keeping up.

Monday, January 11, 2010

I feel normal

I have a cold. A glorious, boring, I'm pretty sure you can't die from 'em COLD. What's better, I caught it from my normal, screaming, hitting, kicking two year old. How NORMAL.

I'm too tired to think about about going back in the archives to look for posts where I whine and whine and WHINE about being sick, but this is one illness I won't be complaining about. Hooray for mucus and 10,000 tissues next to the bed! Hooray for Halls Mentholyptus! Hooray for tea and honey!

Now it's time for an extra pillow and movies in bed. Night, all.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

New Year, New Stuff to Bitch About

Wow, that whole holiday season thing, like, totally knocked me over flat. And then when I wiped the candy cane and gelt dust off of my face and stood up, my oncologist crammed another 1,850 mg of Temodar down my throat. It's a wonder I haven't accidentally fed cat food to the dog and dog food to the cats, ha ha, which is a funny thing to ponder because that would never happen. Ahem.

So here we are in 2010--the year something? make contact? something--and I've already been to 2 doctor's appointments, had 3 phone consults and am seeing the dentist tomorrow. Maybe it's 2010, the year we make appointments. BUT, but, I've also kept my new years resolution for SIX WHOLE DAYS now (boring--it involves journaling without too many swears), AND I went out today and got me a shiny new job. J-O-B! Actually, it's the least new job imaginable; it's back at the very office in which I birthed this very blog: The Planning Shop, fine purveyors of resources for entrepreneurs. Part time, so as not to make my brain go all screwy, but I truly am very happy and excited to talk to PEOPLE who aren't DOCTORS about THINGS that aren't CANCER on a REGULAR BASIS. Honestly, I'd almost rather talk about politics than cancer. Almost.

Hope every one had a great holiday season. May 2010 be less artsy, more fartsy!