coyote point and number 2

At the CuriOdysssey exhibit this afternoon, all the animals were asleep. One of the bobcats was sitting in a black plastic bucket, but the pretty much everyone else was fast asleep. The raccoon, the river otters, the porcupine, the fox, the badger, the coyote...this is starting to sound like a children's book. It was cool to see all the mammal snuggling going on. We didn't spend more than a minute or two looking at bugs and bees (thank goodness). A great time was had by all. We're going to meet the same friends next week to go to the planetarium!

Day 3 of commando hardcore potty training: success phase I was fruitless. I'll take that over a poop-related accident any day!

most days I know it's not true

Laying in my clean, nicely made bed, listening to the Mountain Goats on the rdio system Max set up in the bedroom...dawn of a new musical era this week. washed, folded and put away all of the laundry in house. Picked up dry cleaning. Mailed a package to Gill. Got stuff for dinner tonight. All that's left is to put away dishes and set the dining room for shabbat.

Two weeks until Max and I leave for Disney World and then New York to meet up with Samson and the family. I am overwhelmed with excitement, desire, and the need for the 2 of us to get away. Also the need for cotton candy and root beer. And Space Mountain.

No excuses...

...except for some extreme laziness. Didn't I mention? I'm training for the lay on the sofa and watch crap TV 500. I'm hoping to get Snuggie or the E! network to sponsor me. Ahem.

Brief catchup: clean MRI in June. Samson is in summer camp. Ozzy has ESF (extremely stinky farts). I want to make out with nearly every character on Game of Thrones.

Oh! We went house boating on Lake Shasta! So amazing and awesome, I can hardly believe it was real! Great friends, great water, great times.

Coming up this summer: trips to Israel, Disney World, San Diego and upstate New York.

Still macrobiotic with a few carefully orchestrated cheat meals. Think I may have finally acquired an appreciation for Pink Floyd.

I continue to think about cancer everyday and talk about it nearly every chance I get. It defines me so much more than I'd like it to. Hopefully, with help from my awesome therapist, I'll be able to get through this whole-self-encompassing phase and move peacefully into a better, more emotionally healthy part of the rest of my life. I am much more than a cancer victim, and need those other parts of me to SPEAK LOUDLY and SHOW ME WHAT I CAN DO. And who I can be, besides a schlumpy, pitiful, self-fulfilling prophesier with her eyes shut tight and her fingers in her eyes screaming LA LA LA LA LA to keep all of the noise out.

Sigh.

So onwards and upwards!

What happened to April?

I have NO idea. I was doing fine, and then...nothing.

I started a macrobiotic program on April 1, that's been pretty damn consuming. Lots of chopping. Lots of chewing. Lot's of grinding my own fresh organic almond butter at Whole Foods. Ahem.

Had a good MRI early in the month. Samson's been home for the last 2 weeks; there was walking pneumonia and then a week off of school for passover. Can't wait till school starts back up tomorrow!

Less than 2 weeks until the Brain Tumor 5K in SF! I'm excited to see all my GBM buds and out of town pals and my in town pals, too. If you're feeling give-y, please donate to my fundraising page.

hello, april

April, so far, has been nothing but awesome weather and the world's crankiest 3 year old. Also the world's crankiest mommy, due in part to the afore mentioned child and in part to three full days of macrobiotics. Some of you would be happy to point out that macrobiotics is more than switching to whole grains over white and almond butter over Skippy. Yes, thank you for that. But ooh, gasp, I've been eating my veggies too. Mostly with hummus or goddess dressing, but still. The only thing I can't quite keep on track with is the tea. I'm supposed to be drinking 2 cups of tea a day, and I have't had any yet. I've never been a tea fan, and with this one being decaf, I'm even more inclined to "forget." But other than that, I'm keeping on track and enjoying the tuna, the quinoa and the blue agave. The lack of Carl's Jr, not so much.

Here Comes the Sun

Still on the Beatles kick. This was a very bad week for my car stereo to have been stolen. Fancy new anti-cancer diet starts tomorrow. The first item is to go directly outside and get 2 minutes of sunlight the second I wake up. It's a good thing my folks found that old Grateful Dead tape...kinda feel like I should bust out an old tie dye.

The White Album

I'm in the middle of a corrective Beatles experience. After about 4 years of avoiding the Beatles, I've been overtaken by a distant yet familiar passion, and I'm astounded by the accompanying emotions. For the last 72 hours, I've gone on a catalog-wide binge of personal favorites and these great 5 minute mini documentary videos from the iTunes store. I decided to unclick "shuffle" and listen the white album and it feels AWESOME. Like, really fucking awesome.

and his matchbox cars smell like mac 'n cheese

Let me start this post by saying that I am officially a single parent for the next 10 days.

Today, my kid fell off of:

--his tall seat at the kitchen bar.

--the sofa.

--my bed.

--the aero bed that we're "camping" on upstairs.

--the toilet.

waiting and anticipating

Watching the Sharks score 4 goals in the first period and still hardly holding a lead. At least I'm not at the game like Max, poor sucker. Although pizza he get, to be sure.

I had my initial phone interview with the Block Center today. After this coming Friday's scheduled call with Dr. Block himself, I should have a pretty good road map for the next as of yet undetermined period of time for how to handle this stage of cancer. I'm in the weird, anxiety-ridden, hazy stage where the tumor--according to my 2-month MRI/MRS cycle--is not getting bigger, I'm not taking chemo or getting radiation but I'm still draining that insipid crap through and out of my system, and I'm getting my menstrual cycle back. Just to name a few of the minor annoyances. The real hard part is being stuck between really sick, like, dying sick, and dead. Because in between treatment and death, as luck would have it, is a whole mess of grumpy. I feel fine, I can eat like a horse, sleeping enough to put a newborn baby to shame, can almost win an arm crossing contest with Samson the Angry Three Year Old and I'm slowly squashing my poor husband into a fatigued pulp of a man. And I can't remember shit.

Did I mention that I'm having memory problems?

Help put more red pixels in my inline thermometer

Here's another little blargh about the brain tumor walk on May 7th in SF. If you you're on a let's-save-the-world kick or all high from donating to Japan, hop onto my train, too!

Bite Me, Cancer

Come join a whole freaking bunch of us for a 5K walk through Golden Gate Park. The more you donate, the better your chances of being invited over to try out our new hot tub.

Wait, what?

no words

It's been a pretty odd couple of days.

It's a little bit funny, this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but, boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live.

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song.
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world.

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross.
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do.
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen.

Doggone it

I don't know how so much time goes by between posts. I feel like so much as happened in the last week, even though almost nothing actually did. Oh, wait, yes I do know: housekeeping. I've actually been doing laundry, dishes, organizing, etc. The funny part is that time just flies by, I nap less (which not to say I need fewer naps), and I actually enjoy it. STRANGE.

One good thing that happened last week: Max and I had a terrific date night that consisted of getting our shop on at Bed, Bath & Beyond and open skate at Ice Chalet. Unbelievably fun.

Another good thing that happened last week that started out as a bad thing: Ozzy went AWOL on Sunday. Sadly we were so engrossed in organizing and finally decorating the master bathroom that we didn't notice the lack of snoring dog on the bed for about three hours. Even sadly-er, he lost his ID tag while out in the rain. Driving around the neighborhood in the rain did not produce the presumably cold, wet and anxious dog, and we had a tough time getting through the night thinking about what might have happened to him. After a post-preschool-drop-off trip to the pound at 9 am the next day, I discovered I had to wait even longer since the pound did not open until 11 am. I think it goes without saying that by that point, I did not have any fingernails left.

But the story ends well. When I came back at 11, filled out the required forms, and was led to the dog area, Ozzy was in the first kennel I checked. His eyesight must be getting worse, as he didn't really recognize me until I was right up in his face and talking to him. But still and all, pretty good for a 13 year old canine convict.

Turns out one of our neighbors had found him checking out their yard, and being big dog lovers, took him in for a while, canvased the neighborhood, then took him to the pokey. He was actually only on his own for about 30 minutes.

Fun Facts:

--When the neighbors had Ozzy, they decided to call him Peter.

--It costs $30 to bail a dog out of dog prison.

--It took over 24 hours for Home Again, the microchip location company, the contact me after Ozzy's chip info was submitted. Not such a fun fact, actually.

Needless to say, we're very glad to have the senior member of our family home (in dog years).

All's Well

After five days of antibiotics, the ear infection is long gone and the kid is back to normal. Those of you who know him can decided whether or not that's a good thing.

We--get ready--ORGANIZED THE CLOSETS yesterday in anticipation of me finally doing the 20 odd loads of laundry that have been piling up in the bathroom. Hopefully, we'll actually room for everything. Assuming it gets folded. Ahem.

We three went to a great and fun birthday party on Saturday; two awesome brothers turned 2 and 7 respectively, and we had such a great time, it was easily worth the trek out to Davis--great job and kudos to Erin and Steve for throwing an awesome party in the drizzle.

Number One

Samson's first earache reached it's pitiful high around 1:30 this morning. The day has been sprinkled with bits of heavenly cuddles, he and I snuggled undercovers in a king sized bed, Bubble Guppies or Sponge Bob barely audible behind us. There has also been a juicy center of tears, cries for mommy, one distrustful visit to the doctor and a a sleepy shopping spree at Safeway while waiting for antibiotics. He just went back to bed in his room, and I expect him to join us again within the hour. We're taking this time to blog and play Call of Duty, respectively.

My Son the Shark

Samson started big kid swim lessons today. He and another adorable kid have a teacher all to themselves for half an hour weekly of floating, kicking, head dunking, and making bubbles--all of which makes a happy three year old. And I get a tired out kid who falls asleep by 7:30 without an argument. SCORE.

Move Along

Home, yes. My body is here, battling with all of it's strength not to catch what kiddo had last week. My mouth is here, devouring cookie dough and Golden Grahams and anything sweet and unhealthy. But my mind and soul are...somewhere else. Not sure how or where, but it almost feels like part of me didn't make it back from my road trip. My heart is heavy and my head aches. I sleep, drink coffee, drive the kiddo to or from somewhere, sleep more, drink more coffee...sigh. I can still find joy in things, like Charlie Sheen ridiculosity or kiddo's first no-parent swim lesson tomorrow, but as soon as a thing ends or my pace slows down, I am just...sad. I start therapy next week.

Home Again

Sorry, it's hard to type with a three year old attached to my everywhere. Turns out, Samson missed me. A LOT. More details and pics of the Road Trip coming soon. Like as soon as school starts on Monday. Sheesh.

Getting the heck out of dodge

Leaving Lubbock, off to Albuquerque!

...after a quick stop at Denny's :)

Group(on) of the Day

Max and I just returned from a wet but lovely night out in Palo Alto, brought to us at half price by Groupon. Two new hoodies for Samson at American Apparel and a delicious dinner at Three Seasons, all for pennies, PENNIES, I tell you. Thanks, grandparents, for feeding the kiddo and watching Cailou with him.

My single parenting week is over a day and a half early, thanks to Max surprising me by coming home from NYC this morning instead of tomorrow evening. What an awesome way to say I love you; he was really very missed on this trip. Samson and I both were just beside ourself with longing Monday night--it's no fun coming home to an empty house with no Aba to watch for from the living room window.

Had a terrific brunch yesterday morning with another glioma gal (we're EVERYWHERE), but this one's also a friend from high school! How wild is that? She's been fighting the good fight for 9 years now, and is crazy awesome. In fact, you would do well to donate to her Brain Tumor Society 5K page. Feeling double generous? Donate to my page, too.

Why is the sky spitting on us?

Something weird happened today. When we left for school, the ground was all wet and there was water dripping from the sky. WTF? It's February, not April.

The last 2 weeks have been downright tropical, and thankfully, we spent the last two days of sunshine outdoors in SF and Sacramento. SF Zoo was Saturday, celebrating a friend's birthday and watching as before our very eyes, some of tiniest, teeniest babies we know became proper toddlers and little kids in general. It still seems weird for some reason.

The we drove to Sacramento (which a productive and jelly bean filled stop at the Vacaville outlet mall) so we could indulge in some room service before everyone passed out. Sunday was the Train Museum for a corrective experience for all of us, since our last visit had gone so, so horribly wrong.

Surprisingly-ish, the best part was Funderland! Go Sacramento, you really know how to make trashy and run down into fun and only slightly deadly. We'll be seeing you next summer. Ka-CHOW.

Dig Deep

I hate fundraising so I'm only going to post this once.

Unite to fight brain tumors! Seriously, even $10 will help.

Thanks for your continued support, team! Cancer sucks!

Check None

With only 3 hours of free time today, I took a 3 hour nap. Goddamn, it felt good. It most definitely not feel good to shirk my responsibilities, ignore piles of laundry (dirty, clean, or folded, take your pick), ignore piles of mail, ignore piles of filing. Thursday and Friday I am Samson free from 9 to 4, so if I get my ass in gear, I should be able to put a serious dent in the list.

We went out for a Groupon dinner at a new-to-us kabob place in San Carlos tonight. It was pretty good, but they get extra points for having Iskender Kabob on the menu (my favorite meal from Turkey.). And extra points on top of that for tolerating Samson's crappy mood. We had spent the afternoon with Safta Sheva at the Donkey Park in Palo Alto, and that place always tires him out. He's mostly dropped his afternoon nap, but couldn't resist a late afternoon/early evening snooze--and who am I to argue with a nap?

Check One

I have a short-ish, 4 item list of things that I need to accomplish. Some of the items aren't one shot, do this types of things, but rather do a some fo this each day until goal is reached. So, do-over: I have a short-ish list of 4 goals that I need to accomplish, I can check one solid item off that list. Damn I love being able to say that.

Last week, I gathered my 719 page patient file from Stanford and with help from Super Mom, got all of my questionnaires, MRI disks and requested record sorted, organized, copied, and sent out to The Block Center for Integrative Cancer Treatment. Maybe the good Dr. Block has discovered a special combo of banana, corn flakes and jelly beans that prevent tumor recurrence. Or maybe he can recommend a good local voodoo practitioner.

Clean MRI

Hoorah, another MRI at UCSF today came out clear and sparkly. Two more months to keep on keeping on before we spin the wheel of chance again.

The awful thing that happened this morning: when I met Burt, my MRI nurse at Mission Bay, his eye and much of his head and face were covered in gauze. He told me about his Friday night, which unfortunately involved a mentally unstable man at the bar throwing a wine class in his face, which shattered and got in his eye, face, and scalp. He was only at the lab today because there was no backup until tomorrow. He'll probably need surgery and may loose his eye! Shocking and horrible. I adore Burt, and wish him many fine pain pills and two eyes that work well.

Happy Sad

Happy!



I have an amazing, kick-ass, stellar group of Glioma Gals in my life. Enough said. Well, not really enough.

I've known Erin for a YEAR now (what?!) and we clicked big time from day one. We chat frequently, and have met up (she lives in Davis) and good number of times. She has adorable children, a love bug husband, is an excellent mother and a ridiculously right on person. We have the same kind of Glioma and are in the same trial at UCSF. I know I owe my survival thus far in part to her.

Toby I haven't known as long, although I enjoy getting to know her as we meet more often. She's local to me and lives near the best park in the area. Her youngest child is Samson's age, she's got a great dog, and she is a hoot.

I met Liz from Roseville yesterday for the first time. All I will say for now is A. I have a huge girl crush--short hair, glasses, tattoos, hmm who does that remind you of? and B. what an intelligent woman.

All of these gals are whip smart, have amazing factual recall, and are full of energy. I know that I'm a little more caffeinated and hyper than normal when I meet up with other survivors, but damn, these chicks are like speed to me. A just jibber jabbered the afternoon away with no filter whatsoever. It felt great.

Sad!

The headaches are crap. It's like I've always got a headache, either a dull one that lasts for days or strong one that only lasts a few hours. I'm irritable lately, tense, and down on myself for not doing more or doing better. I've gained weight since my appetite came back around Thanksgiving, and I'm not exercising or eating healthfully like I (DUH) should be. I can't get enough sugar, with the internets say is like inviting the little webby bits of my tumor that are left in my brain over for protein shakes and some Wii Fit. Left Over Tumor + Sugar = BAD. Left Over Tumor + Pregnancy = BAD. And all I want is to get knocked up and bathe in a tub full of wild berry flavored gummy Life Savers.

With some luck, I'll be able to keep blogging more regularly. Even if the entries are mostly suck ass and whiney and full of expletives. It makes me feel better, it got zero calories, and I've got a lot to say these days.

Note to Self

After having read the last 18 months or so of posts, one thing is painfully clear: I need a copy editor.

twinkle twinkle, little star

I wish I wish I wish I could follow Dr. Liz's example and start writing again. It may not be a place or happiness or contentment that I write from, but it's still an important place and it's still a valuable way getting my thoughts and feelings straight--I seriously tall order in my poor, poisoned brain.

Maybe I need to get some Hawaii sun too? Hummmm?