Saturday, December 07, 2013

One more rumination over my status in life

I've got to say, I really appreciate everyone's support over the last few days. My posts have been more raw than usual, and I've shared a side of the pain and fear that I feel, a part of my life that I'm usually trying to camouflage. Snark and perceived fearlessness will only get you so far; sometimes, you just need to cry and scream and hit things and write mean and ugly words on a blog for everyone to read. And honestly, the candid nature of these last few posts has felt REALLY  REALLY GOOD.

Of course, I wouldn't be me without also feeling guilty. Here, I'll use a list to count some of the wonderful and factual things that I have in my life that so many other people do not have, therefore causing me to feel guilty about having any complaints at all.

Some of the Wonderful and Factual Things That I Have in My Life that So Many Other People Do Not Have

1. Two healthy, living, nearby parents.

2. A healthy and committed marriage.

3. A healthy and perfect six year old son.

4. Full and complete use of my arms, legs, mouth, and brain-- a variety of things that most GBM survivors I know do not have.

5. A great job that I love and look forward to every day.

6. A warm home and plentiful pets.

I worry that the kind of person who can have this list and still complain about anything in their life is fundamentally broken, and, frankly, reprehensible. I know it's who I am; it's part of my personality and character to feel bad about feeling bad, but I do get nervous that I'll never inherently allow myself to enjoy the bounty that is my life, and that I'm doomed to always gravitate back to the cancer, every four months, as the primary definition of who I've become, in spite of the list of wonders above.

Now, I promise to do my best to return to our regular programing--although it's immeasurably comforting to know I can be as honest I might need to occasionally be here.

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